Since so much of my "work" on the Internet is scattered about all willy-nilly, I have decided to occasionally post some of these past embarassments from time to time on this site. Today's entry was written in November 2000, back when I still lived in Boston and before Christina Aguilera was viciously attacked by her makeup bag.

While walking through Davis Square today, I tried to recruit members for my army of zombies.

In order to identify myself to potential zombies, I walked with stiff legs and arms thrust out in front of me. I repeated the only zombie word I know — "nnnnnhhhh" — and ambled around the brick plaza in the center of the square. The message was clear: "Zombies, unite around me and we shall crush the living! Their tender brains shall be our sustenance! Nnnnnhhh!"

While I found no willing recruits, I did discover one striking thing: pigeons are scared shitless of zombies.

In lieu of a well-constructed post, enjoy these morsels of my day, individual vignettes of a man in a cold place:

* I cannot stop drumming on my desk with these heavy plastic chopsticks I brought to work today. The rabid fans who must know every detail of my daily life will be pleased to know that I am playing the drum line from Cracker's "Seven Days," a song which has the finest-sounding snare drum I have ever heard. And I've heard a lot of snare drums, believe you me.

* I received an email from a company advertising a "breast enhancement" product called Bloussant. This may be the greatest product name I have ever seen.

* Oh, today's post brought the most lovely thing I've received in a long time: a T-shirt from the online shoppery of Achewood, courtesy of Barbie. Achewood is the funniest comic strip that is not "Garfield," although both involve cats. And alcohol.

* To counteract the effects of the snowy landscape I view through my office window, I created an alternate reality with a dry-erase marker:

Not only is it pretty to look at, but the fumes from the marker make me feel like I've had a few mai tai's.

From the "You Just Know It's Gonna Happen" department:

Segways have become generally available to the public — even Amazon will soon be pushing them out the warehouse doors. This means that a certain segment of our population, possessing metal shop skills and a yearning towards applied arts & crafts, will shortly have a new object with which to demonstrate their special gifts.

So let me be the first to ask: How long before someone makes a bong out of a Segway?

Mount Desert Island in Maine is a hotbed of criminal activity, possibly the most dangerous place I have ever lived. Every Thursday, this weblog will report the most horrific criminal incident from the police log as reported by the Bar Harbor Times.

This week's entry is particularly chilling:

MOUNT DESERT — Police received a report of an ashtray being stolen from a car parked on Main Street in Northeast Harbor on Jan. 26.

I'm still shaking at the thought that that could have been my ashtray, from my car. Someone hold me.

Breaking news out of North Carolina: N.C. Plant Explosion Injures 11 People:

KINSTON, N.C. — An explosion and fire rocked a pharmaceutical company's factory Wednesday afternoon, leaving the building a shattered ruin as flames and black smoke poured out.

Former President Clinton swears that he thought it was a chemical weapons plant.

I just configured my email client to play a sound whenever new messages are received. I don't like the default sound that Windows provides, which reminds me of a Teletubby that has swallowed a rusty church bell, but I can choose any sound file on the computer as my delivery notice.

So thanks to KaZaALite, Audacity, and good old-fashioned American can-do, I am now alerted to incoming messages by the terrifying sound of New Kids on the Block singing "Oh oh, oh oh oh!" from "The Right Stuff." The way I see it, my hoodlum friends will email me much more often knowing that every addition to my inbox causes me a small amount of pain.

I suppose I could have used a Limp Bizkit clip, but then I might never check email.

Your suggestions for sound clips to use in the future are welcome in the comments section.