When the Restaurant Wars finally come, pitting cuisine against cuisine in epicureal combat, I hope you've prepared yourself to live with the winner. Some people think that a superior officer corps will win the day, and have placed their bets with the Generals Tso, Zso, and Gau of the Chinese -- or on the Colonel of the Kentucky Fried division. Others feel the Burger Armies will prevail, with the Burger King issuing forth decrees from his White Castle. Some believe naval power will make the difference, and have cast their fortunes behind the pirate hordes of Long John Silver and the various regional Captains that dominate regional fast-fried seafood.

But they're all tragically, inexorably wrong. The true winner will be the little canteen here on the campus where I work, especially if the battlefield is my large intestine.