Being a world-famous personality, I get a lot of email. Like you, a large percentage of it is of an unsolicited commercial nature. Most of it is casually tossed into the electronic landfill without a second thought. Today, though, I received the first spam message that gave me new information which I might never have known otherwise:

Subject: Hahahha, Little Pe-nis U Have satanism

Apparently my equipment has been shortened as a result of demonic possession. I never realized that was one of the side effects. But the mail doesn't make clear: is there a pill I can take to fix both problems, or do I need to seek a urologist priest? Has someone blended Viagra into a stack of communion wafers?

And if the purging process is anything like what I saw in The Exorcist, someone better have a Costco-sized box of tissues handy.