Like my mini-bio on the left side of this page states, I work for a secret laboratory full of supergeniuses who not only have developed cures for every disease known to man (we like to release them slowly, to keep expectations high), but spend their off-hours breeding mice with advanced musical ability and quantitative reasoning. Today, I thought you would enjoy reading about some of my favorite strains of these Frankenmice:

• Strain CBA/CaHN-Btk^xid can deadlift one hundred pounds while singing Vivaldi's Agitata da due venti.
• Strain LT/SvEi-Y^* is listed as a "chromosomal aberration," due to the fact it can drink ten times its weight in tequila while orating on obscure federal regulations — it's often referred to as the "Ted Kennedy Strain."
• Saving my favorite for last: Strain BALB/c-Fech^m1Pas, a "chemically-induced mutation," can only be seen after pounding a six-pack of Bud tall boys. And man, is he worth it. Last time I summoned him from the ethanol aether, I hit twenty straight 7's on the $25 minimum craps table at Mohegan Sun, and staggered out of the casino with ten extra Ben Franklins folded in my pocket. I passed one to "Fechy," as I call him, as a grateful tip for his help. Didn't see him again until the next morning, passed out cold atop a naked cocktail waitress with four blocks of imported Camembert scattered beside him. Hard living, maybe, but he's genetically bred for it.